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The Cave, Finca & Cortijo Forum. Andalucia..
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Any more Engineers amongst us?

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Any more Engineers amongst us? Empty Any more Engineers amongst us?

Post by Dave Fri Nov 11, 2011 11:03 pm

Tools Explained

DRILL PRESS

A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL

Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, “Oh, sh –“

SKILL SAW

A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS

Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER

An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW

One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle… It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE GRIPS

Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH

Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race…

TABLE SAW

A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK

Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW

A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST

A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER

Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER

A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR

A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER

A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER

Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent to the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE

Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund cheques, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.



Last edited by Dave on Sat Nov 12, 2011 9:59 am; edited 1 time in total

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My bigest fear is that when I die the wife will sell my toys for what I said I paid for them.

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way when you judge him, you will be a mile away, and have his shoes...


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Post by Imagemaker Sat Nov 12, 2011 9:53 am

LOL!!! As a DIYer (house and car), I can relate to that list....very good cheers
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Post by ross Fri Nov 25, 2011 9:59 pm

excellent...... bounce I too can relate ...
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